Inappropriate Conduct
by Abby Ebon
Summary: Co-written with Chaos Silk. Slash. Male OC. If you think landing in Galbatorix’s castle as a prisoner makes for an imposable escape, try being rescued from a harem. Draco, a magical silver monkey may help you...or steal someones pants...
1. Abby Ebon: Jacee The Thief

**Inappropriate Conduct **

By _Abby Ebon & Chaos Silk_

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**A Note from the Authoress' **

Have you read Eragon and Eldest? Yeah, well, we have – we've read better. Then again, Harry Potter wasn't as great for us as for the rest of the world apparently. Maybe we're just hard to please. Either way, after seeing the terrible mess most of the 'authors' or as we say 'no-talent copy-cats' out there have made of Eragon 'fan' fiction – we decided to do something about it- something _original_, something _born from the shadows_, and something _utterly and uniquely chaotic_.

We also happen to be **SLASH** fans. Do you know what Slash is? If you do, pay no attention to this warning- if not, listen up. Slash is gay romance. If you're terribly naive (or young) and think that means 'happy', well while it does make us happy, it's also homosexual relationships i.e. two men kissing or engaging in sexual intercourse. If you're still confused, please go away, we aren't responsible for your actions online – and we posted warnings. Lots of them, and we can prove it within 5 minutes – not our fault if you didn't pay attention to them….

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**Summary**;

This is a tale about a thief, a pretty _boy_ thief, called Jaycee, his _talking_ silver monkey Draco – who likes stealing random peoples pants – including Jaycee's, much to Jaycee's _utter_ embarrassment and humiliation.

One day while _stealing_ from the lovely and witless Mary Sue, erm, - I mean, the _Lady Belinda Von Regalia_, (whose convinced Jaycee is a girl, and meets a messy end trying to prove it) at a market their happy lives as thieves are changed _forever_.

If you think landing in Galbatorix's castle as a _prisoner_ makes for an imposable escape, try being rescued from a _harem_- Galbatorix's harem are more carefully guarded then his prisoners, though most of them don't mind being kept woman- and will kill to keep themselves that way.

Jaycee finds he must pretend to be one of these girls – or risk his death, at _their_ hands. Who knew the harem was for life- it may _seem_ imposable but with a monkey watching your back, anything is possible.

So after stealing one last thing before he swore never to steal again, he leaps to his death - luckily – or not so luckily, Murtagh is all to willing to save the 'damsel in distress' and take her far away from Galbatorix –_for a kiss_. And that's only what's in the first five chapters…

Enjoy.

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**Disclaimer**: Oh, and we don't own Eragon- and we _really_ don't want to.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

The sun had barely peeked up from the horizon and the market was already preparing for the rush of coming customers. Market day in the city square only occurred once every year, and was awaited eagerly by both the low and high class – though for entirely different reasons.

Unnoticed by mere mortals, a curious set of grey eyes surveyed the market square. These grey eyes belonged to a small silver monkey – who if seen from above, was thought to be some high born child's pampered pet monkey. The monkey swiftly made his way along the roof tops, and to the abandoned attic of a ruined mansion.

He cleverly snaked his way up the crawling ivy, and landed with a thump on the only other occupant of the attic.

"Hey, Jaybird, up, up, up!" The maddening silver monkey chanted as it hopped atop its snoozing victim. With a muffled curse, its victim's head peeked out from under the blanket, and glared in a sleepy way.

The victim, if a woman- would have been called lovely- and promptly sold off to a middle aged man with the most money at the 'proper' age. Thankfully, the victim of the silver monkeys torment was male- and _very_ cranky.

"Shu'd u' Draco, I was up till high-moon nabbing stuff…" The dark haired teen slurred, blanket still obscuring his mouth- the monkey tilted its head, its maw gaping in astonishment.

"B-but Jaycee, this is market day – in the city square, nobles and pretty boys!" Draco cooed in a sing song tone, sure that this would wake his snoozing partner.

"S-sleepy..." Jaycee whined. The monkey rolled grey eyes, and looked around for something to help him wake his boy up- he just needed a little…_encouragement_. Draco grinned, catching site of the water jar, of course, it didn't hold water- it held piss. Leaping to it, Draco gave it a sniff – and quickly backed away. Draco glanced at Jaycee one last time.

"Are you _sure_ you don't want to get up right now?" Draco asked a mischievous glint in his eyes. Jaycee muttered something sure to be unpleasant, and Draco picked up the jar - and predictably dumped the contents on his partner in crime.

Jaycee howled like a wet cat, and scrambled away from his bed – and glared at Draco.

"I _hate_ you." Draco laughed at Jaycee's words- and expression, and a grumbling Jaycee left the attic- bed things under his arm, in the mansions yard was a stream. Jaycee used it for bathing, cooking, and getting clean after stunts like Draco had just pulled.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

It was a hot day in the market.

The market place was flooded with the rich and not-so-rich folk were gathered about like sheep to a slaughter, trying to get the best deals – and out buy their neighbors.

This, of course, wasn't a problem for Lady Belinda Von Regalia, who was most assuredly the most _lovely_ and most important _richest_ person in entire the market place. For surely the way everyone gawked and smiled was due because of her awe inspiring beauty. For just yesterday, the Baron Boyer had told her she was the loveliest in the land.

The fact she was wearing a frilly pink dress on the dirty market street _really_ had nothing to do with the astonished glances- _honesty_.

None the less as Lady Belinda Von Regalia made her way through the parted crowd she was surprised to be jostled roughly by a _peasant_ girl, a little shorter then herself, who gasped and grabbed frantically for her waist when she stumbled. Belinda slapped her for getting her 'plainness' on her new dress, the Lady Belinda Von Regalia saw with a smug smile the red mark was already showing plainly against the girls pale skin.

The girl looked up at her with bewildered and startled silver eyes. _A_ _most unusual peasant_, Belinda thought arrogantly- her own beautiful blue eyes narrowing in jealously. The peasant girl opened her lush lips and to Belinda's amazement the girl did not sound whiny harpy, her voice was low-pitched and pleasantly husky.

"My lady, I am so sorry about that, how clumsy of me!" The girl bowed, and Belinda felt a tiny bit of pity for her- seeing the state of her dress. The girl was so thin the shoulder straps of her light brown dress slid half off her narrow shoulders- and the girl had such a flat chest- even though she was as old as Belinda.

"Indeed, next time, watch where you are walking." Belinda scolded, and flipped a silver coin at the girl (who caught it easily) as Lady Belinda Von Regalia turned and stood off.

Behind her, the 'peasant girl' smirked as 'she' too turned away, and flicking a stray strand black hair behind 'her' ear, 'she' fingered the silver coin with 'her' free hand- then patted the side 'her' dress, the bulge of the Lady Belinda Von Regalia's purse underneath.

: _Nice work my boy! How much do you think you've gotten Jaycee?_ : Draco cooed into his mind, Jaycee smiled up at the roof of the nearest house. Where a slivery white monkey crouched, waiting for him to go past- so Draco could drop onto his shoulder.

"It ought to feed us for half a year Dray, good thinking – even though I hate dressing up like this…" Jaycee murmured as the small silver monkey did just as he had predicted. The monkey laughed, little huffs and squeaks, and pulled on Jaycee's lush black hair.

: _Your pretty either way Jaybird. _: The monkey assured him, Jaycee rolled his silvery eyes. Draco twisted around and squealed sharply, alerting Jaycee that he was being followed. Jaycee spun around, and saw the Lady Belinda Von Regalia running toward him, the King's soldiers at her back.

"_Shit_!"

Jaycee headed to the alley, Lady Belinda- and the soldiers following closely behind him.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**_TBC_**...


	2. Chaos Silk: Harem Girls

**Inappropriate Conduct **

By _Abby Ebon & Chaos Silk_

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**A Note from the Authoress' **

If you didn't read the last warning then you should go back and do so before you even start reading this chapter. If you did, good for you, this just means you're well prepared and know what to expect. Kind of like the books, no?

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**Disclaimer**: Oh, and we don't own Eragon- and we _really_ don't want to.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

"There she is!" Lady Belinda sneered, pointing her delicate hand at Jaycee who swore under his breath, searching for a way to escape. How could he forget that this alley lead to a dead end? He sent a pleading look in Draco's direction, pouting as the monkey smirked at him and vanished in a puff of smoke.

"That's the girl, the peasant who dared to almost be prettier than me." She said with a huff, blue eyes blazing as she glared at the shocked thief. Jaycee didn't know whether to be frightened out of his mind by the guards standing at her sides or amused by the girl's actions, which reminded him of a spoiled five year old.

Silence reigned in the alley as the Lady Belinda and Jaycee the Thief waited for the guards to stop snickering behind their helms and react to the Lady's accusations. Jaycee was sweating, wondering if almost being prettier than a noblewoman was an actual crime while Belinda was smirking at 'her', certain that the impudent peasant would get what was coming to 'her'.

"Looks like we lucked out..." The guard on the left said, his large grin apparent behind his helm. Jaycee wondered what he meant by that and Belinda was smug, certain they were complimenting her... and the peasant's beauty.

"Yep, we sure did. His majesty should be pleased." The second guard commented, nodding as he moved to stand in front of the peasant 'girl'. His armor clanked loudly with every step. Jaycee watched him move with wide silver eyes, backing up so his back was at the wall. He knew what happened to peasant girls in dark alleys, but what did the King have to do with it?

His eyes darted to the noblewoman as he felt something hard connect with the top of his head and his vision went black. The last thing he noticed was that the other guard seemed to be doing the same to the blonde. He fell, the guard catching him and tossing him over his shoulder before he could hit the ground.

"Well that isn't good." Draco the monkey said as he watched Jaycee fall from the rooftop nearby. He crept closer, determined to protect his friend and, dare he say it, master from the guards if they even attempted to do what he thought they were going to do.

But... He thought as he climbed. If they were going to... He stopped there, not even daring to think that they would do something so... distasteful to his friend if the spoiled brat of a noble was involved. From his viewpoint he could see that they were giving her the same treatment, meaning they weren't going to do what he was thinking of, but maybe that meant they were going to do something much worse.

Like force poor Jaycee and the snob to join the King's Harem.

Jaycee's head swam, colors flashing behind closed eyes as he felt himself be carried away. He felt a stab of cold fear run down his spine, wondering what they had planned for him. Maybe the whole alley was a set-up. Maybe that noble wasn't as witless as she appeared and had noticed Jaycee's theft.

"These the new harem girls?" And maybe dragons would fly out his ass.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**_TBC..._  
**


	3. Abby Ebon: The Escape

**Inappropriate Conduct **

By _Abby Ebon & Chaos Silk_

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**A Note from the Authoress' **

It's too late to turn back now, you've been sucked into our world, and you may never be the same again. Prepared to be scarred for life- or become even corrupted then you are now…if that is possible. Our beloved and most honored friends have, by a default of being our friends, become a part of this tale.

A small part… but we wanted to stick to the 'rules' of Mary Sue/Marty Stu/Gary Sue that the friends of the authoresses find themselves placed in a story they never wanted to be in. As do their enemies, on that note…

Those of you who flame us, dislike us, or annoy us, shall also be put in this tale. Don't worry though; you'll hardly recognize yourself…By the way, we can always write a sequel or –gasp- another story to feature you in if you flame us after this is done.

We're just evil and clever like that…

By the way, in Mary-Sues we notice too, that a magical fairy/elf/stone/pool/genie/something-or-other usually helps the main character get what they want- whither it's getting into that world- or getting some one in that world to love them. But would _you_ accept the gift of the Dark-Moon Goddess?

We thought not- yet our poor Jaycee sees only how valuable it could be on the market- he has _no_ _idea_ of the chaos he's about to find himself in. (cue evil laughter)

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**Disclaimer:** Oh, and we don't own Eragon- and we _really_ don't want to. Especially with what were going to do to him…wait, I we've both done worse to our own OCs/Muses…never mind…

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Jaycee let himself lay on the cool marble floor of what he suspected must be the harem chambers. He didn't open his eyes- he didn't want to believe that he, Jaycee the Thief, had landing himself into a harem for a truly _twisted_ King.

Beside him, Lady Belinda stirred. Letting out a soft whimper, she fluttered her lovely blue eyes – and looked around the chambers she found herself in. Other women with soft skin, lovely eyes, and great hair were clustered together in groups of twos or threes- except for the odd group of five who were watching everyone else with bored expressions.

That was when the witless air head- uh, Lady Belinda Von Regalia, was forced to admit that compared to some of those women she looked _common_. Horrified she glared down at the dark haired girl who lay a few feet away from her. Her worst fears were confirmed, her _commonness_ had rubbed off on the once great noble woman.

"You horrible creature this is all your fault!" The air head screeched at the top of her lungs, to the 'waking' girl, and further attracting one of the beautiful sharks- erg, _women_ and her horde of three.

"No it isn't who summoned the guards, eh?" Jaycee replied in a far less ear splitting- headache inducing tone. The Lady Belinda's pale face flushed, somehow making her look lovely instead of frustrated and pissed off at her companion.

Jaycee rolled his eyes; obviously the witless noble had never been back-talked by a mere 'commoner'.

"Hello, I'm Baroness Fay Sai Hunter, and these are my…_friends_, Duchess Cecilia Avis Raven, and Queen Mrri Killi of a land beyond the ocean. Would you like to join us …?" Jaycee eyed the woman, she wasn't speaking to him, of course, but to Lady Belinda, who looked up at the black haired woman with lilac eyes.

Jaycee hadn't thought that color was possible- _and people think silver-grey eyes are strange_, Jaycee chuckled aloud- getting odd looks from the four women and not giving a damn.

"I'd be glad to Fay; I am Lady Belinda Von Regalia, 'tis a pleasure." Belinda answered with a smug expression. She was most put out to see that Jaycee was ignoring her- and not jealous at all of the three beautiful snakes- _erm_, women, who escorted her to their little corner of the chambers and proceeded to talk of weather, silks, fabrics, and how much money they had.

Jaycee was of the opinion that that was all they knew what to talk about.

Jaycee took a closer look around the chambers it had windows that looked out at the sky- and far below the city spread before it; the place was set up made of marble or smooth obsidian- this was clearly the courtyard for the harem women. Three fountains were in the center, undecorated, save for the women who washed clothing in it or were bathing.

Jaycee quickly looked away from them- a woman of the group of five-who had been watching the rest, approached him.

She had dark hair that curled into ringlets, and dark eyes- kohl lining them, Jaycee tilted his head up at her- curious, she was common. Almost pirate-like.

"'Lo boy, I'm called Lyri, my girls were wondering how a boy came to be in a King's harem." Jaycee choked, how'd they _know_? Lyri smiled seeing his shock; she pulled him up with a strong arm and practically dragged him among the throng of girls. Two of them were cuddling together, watching with amusement.

"This is Tahori and Myjfa, they came with the great 'Queen' Mrri Killi- fake-Queen more like. These lovely ladies are the Queens of their Isle, a peaceful place mostly, lovely people, but get them angry and they become vicious, blood-sucking bitches. A Pity they don't know that their Queens are kidnapped." The Queens complimented each other nicely; both wore silver robes with black lining, only a necklace showed a crystal disk- or an obsidian one.

One had darker brown hair and the other lighter, almost blond, hair. They had mismatched eyes; green eye, and blue eye. They were switched on them, and it was a strange thing to behold.

"On our Isle, Soul-Mates use magic to switch eyes, so one partner always knows where the other is." Tahori explained with a small smile, Myjfa held her around the waist, a smug smile on her lips. Jaycee frowned not understanding.

"But why do your Kings not know where you are then?" Both of the Queens laughter rang in the chambers.

"Child, you misunderstand. On our Isle, there are no Kings- only Queens, the High-Priestess of the Two Moons." A woman, this one with brown-red hair interrupted. She wore silver robes with black lining.

"That is why it is called the Queen Isle by your people." Another woman added this one with brown roots and blond hair. She wore black robes with silver lining. Such seemed to be the prevailing theme of the four women. The two glanced at each other and shared a smile.

"I am Priestess-Mage Erenas, of the White-Moon Goddess." The brown-red haired woman introduced herself, her hazel eyes amused.

"And I am Priestess-Mage Soahc, of the Dark-Moon Goddess." The woman with brown roots and blond hair and teal eyes, explained. Jaycee thought it must be very confusing on the Queen Isle.

"No, just when they are on their moon cycles, otherwise, they are always so- you get used to it." Jaycee spun around- there was _another_ boy! He was pale, with white hair, silver eyes, and delicate looking.

"You're a boy!" Jaycee exclaimed, he got a raised eyebrow, the man- not boy, stood, he was indeed fully grown, and stood over the females. He arched, showing off muscles through a baggy silver shirt. His vest was black- and his pants silver-grey.

"Yes, I am, and so are you. I'm Stoka - Erenas' boy-slave." He waggled his eyebrows at the shorter woman- who blushed faintly, and the Queens' covered their mouths hiding grins. Soahc didn't bother- she just giggled with Lyri.

"Otherwise, I am the Priest-Mage of the White-Moon Goddess." Stoka murmured, wrapping his arms around the Priestess-Mage White-Moon- she was pleasantly plump, and he clearly loved her.

"Aren't priest's supposed to be virgins! Or at least chaste?" Jaycee hissed, blushing red, had they no _shame_?

Apparently _not_…

"What! I'll show you _virgin_, you little brat!" Stoka hissed, and kissed Erenas deeply, _with_ tongue. This left Queens and Dark-Moon Priestess-Mage Soahc into gales of laughter. Lyri merely shook her head, amused.

"The Two Moons – Dark, and White, encourage the highest of their order, in this case Priest-Mage and Priestess-Mage, to be close friends- in the least, lovers hopefully. It does not require such with those of the same sex- merely that the Priestess-Mages' be twin of the heart." Dark-Moon Priestess-Mage Soahc explained. Jaycee looked doubtfully at her.

"When where's the Priest-Mage of the Dark-Moon- to match the White-Moon Priest Mage?" He demanded; this sobered them up- they seemed suddenly very sad. Erenas went to Soahc and wrapped her fellow Priestess-Mage in a tight hug. Stoka had flinched back, his hand hovering over his chest, as if pained.

"We do not know where he is. We fear he is dead…." Stoka whispered. Both Queens's lips had thinned into a pale line.

"We shall slaughter the betrayer Mrri Killi, on this dark-moon night, and with her blood return to the Queen Isle- and there, we shall…" Tahori was shaking in anger- so Myjfa took over for her.

"We shall unleash our rage upon this lands ruler." Jaycee noticed Myjfa held the obsidian disk- thus meaning she was the High-Priestess, a Queen of the two Queens of the Two Moon religion, that of the Dark-Moon.

"Good luck…" Jaycee whispered, hoping they'd offer him to go with them- the Queens Isle may be a strange place, but at least it would get him out of the harem.

"We are sorry." Lyri murmured; "Only those of the Two Moon Religion may journey in this way- it is deadly for others." Jaycee turned to her- she did not look like one of the strangers.

"Are you going with them? How can you? You don't look like one of them." Someone choked behind him – Jaycee paid no mind to them. Lyri smiled, it wasn't a nice expression. She wore black- but not as a robe- there was a reason she had looked like a pirate to Jaycee, the poor boy had never seen a female fighter.

"I am their Goddess- the Dark-Moon, _Lyri_, my Mage-Priestess called me, as did my Queen. No Goddess would refuse her highest- nor would I let them die in a foreign land. In order for them to travel they would need a second- masculine form of the Black-Moon, as their Goddess- I can be such for my Mage-Priestess. Have care Jaycee." The Black-Moon Goddess purred, and then Jaycee saw that night had fallen.

He heard Lady Belinda Von Regalia scream- and knew 'Queen' Mrri Killi had died by the Dark-Moon Goddesses hand.

Lyri _smiled_- again, and then they were gone- as if they never had been. That morning Jaycee found himself in once of the connecting rooms of the chamber.

A sphere, the same look to it as the Queen's necklaces – silvery crystal on one side, smooth obsidian on the other, lay in his hand. It had five runes on its surface- for earth, fire, water, air, and metal.

It was obviously valuable, and Jaycee decided to _keep_ Lyri the Dark-Moon Goddesses 'gift'. If he knew the trouble it would bring him; he probably wouldn't have.

Draco- watching from the rafters above Jaycee's room had a _very bad feeling_ about that orb.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Weeks passed, and Jaycee learned to hide his gender very well indeed. Mostly because he had seen what had been done to a girl who had voiced a revolt. In the night she'd been smothered in cold blood. The King's harem would indeed kill, as rumors had it, to keep themselves a harem.

Jaycee attended mandatory erotic dancing lessons, where he learned to move provocatively, in time with the other girls. This is where his thief reflexes and athletic ability came in handy. It became one of his favorite past-times. It kept him in shape after all.

Then the guards- told them one day that a celebration was being held (they did not know it was for the newest Dragon Rider, Murtagh, and his Dragon, Thorn, finally learning to fly together) and they were to dance for it.

Jaycee was friends with Enb, and Ebao, the male and female pair who guarded the harem from the outside. He had begged not to perform- he was sure the secret of his gender would be revealed.

They were firm though- he was one of the best dancers (a fact that Lady Belinda Von Regalia _hated_), and would perform.

So the day approached, and they were given 'modest' attire modest considering how little some one the girls dressed- Jaycee had quickly learned not to react to partly nude, and mostly nude women- and given the dance-rehearsal

It was later speculated that this was why he 'turned' gay in the archives of the future- Draco who _still_ lives _assures_ that this was not the case- most believe _him_; rather then archives written a thousand years after Jaycee's death.

Left with little choice Jaycee threw himself in it- hardly noticing time pass, until the big day.

Where Draco had to swear him that no, he had not secured an escape route, and yes Jaycee would _certainly_ die if he attempted to leave via window; and no, Draco was not just saying such to torture his 'Jaybird'.

The facts of these statements are _still_ under debate some thousand years afterwards.

None the less, Jaycee preformed wonderfully, and caught the attention of Murtagh. Who Jaycee momentarily freed from the mind-enslavement of Galbatorix, by the power of the sphere….Although the silly twenty-something-year-old thought it was because of the 'power of love' of his Soul-Mate, the dancing girl "Jaycee"; it should be noted in his defense he was _somewhat_ drunk.

Draco later approached Murtagh on an offer he couldn't refuse….

Draco's offer?

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

"_Pisst_!" Was echoed in a snoring Murtagh's room; the young man was startled away- and somewhat cranky that no one was there.

"Tomorrow night you shall fly seven times around the harem tower; you shall catch the falling …maiden, _and_ her monkey. Do this and you shall be free from Galbatorix forever." A mysterious voice told him.

"Will I get a kiss?" Murtagh demeaned, still rather drunk.

"…Yes, yes – now vow you shall do this!" The voice insisted.

"I shall!" Murtagh exclaimed- then promptly fell asleep. The voice sighed, and the silver monkey became visible again.

"Jaycee ain'y gonna like this- but I'm sure he'll understand the sacrifice…" The silver monkey scampered away to inform his Jaybird on their escape plans. Draco knew that Murtagh would keep his vow, drunk or not.

So, plans were made that for the coming night, that Jaycee would _trust_ Draco to provide a flying escape for them. Jaycee never knew that as he jumped a _dragon_ was supposed to catch him. It made for a somewhat…panicked escape.

Luckily Murtagh kept a tight grip on the squirming girl's waist.

Otherwise it went smoothly- save for that Draco had told Jaycee to leave the crystal/obsidian sphere at the tower- he hadn't he kept it in the pocket under his harem girl outfit (which Draco told him was necessary for some reason); but what else can you expect from a thief?


	4. Choas Silk: Falling From The Sky

**Inappropriate Conduct **

By _Abby Ebon & Chaos Silk_

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**A Note from the Authoress' **

Did you enjoy the last chapter? I know I did and I know that you'll never in a thousand years guess what's coming next. We have this entire fic planned out folks, so sit back and enjoy, because we certainly aren't giving key plot points away (unlike other people we can name). And because obviously, the evil king knows where the Varden is hiding (and partly because we don't know), we've moved them to an undisclosed location close to the islands.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Disclaimer: We. Do. Not. Own. Liability falls to those who have the thick skulls who think we do.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Of all the things Sagum expected to come across while escaping from the hell that was the Varden, having a boy who looked like a girl and a silver monkey falling out of the sky on top of him was probably second or third on his list. For him, a Mage-Priest of the Dark Moon Goddess, the unexpected was expected and the expected was a pleasant surprise.

The dragon was just an unforeseen twist, seeing as how there were only three in the world.

Sagum was soo stabbing his sister in the eye next time he saw her... He knew that somehow she was involved in the boy and monkey landing on his back just as he was making his grand escape, attracting the attention of the non-bribed guards who would be here in a few minutes. But that was because she was always involved whenever something was going wrong with his life. She was evil like that.

"I can't believe he just threw us off the dragon like that." Jaycee grumbled, rubbing his backside. To be fair, Draco had stolen his pants and Jaycee accidentally groped him, then denied making out privileges. And Murtagh _was_ still drunk. "Good thing we landed on something soft." A cough sounded from beneath him and he looked down, meeting familiar teal eyes glaring over a black and silver shoulder. The eyes, combined with the distinctive blonde hair with its dark brunette roots convinced Jaycee that he had accidentally landed on Soahc, one of the priestesses he had met when he first landed in the king's harem.

He jumped back, looking sheepish. Draco had disappeared shortly after landing so poor Sagum only had skinny little Jaycee to worry about. "Sorry bout that, Lady Soahc. Didn't see you there." Sagum's eye twitched as he picked himself up.

"I'm not Soahc." Sagum snapped, though he really couldn't fault the boy for mistaking him for his sister. From behind they looked a lot alike but Soahc was nearly a foot shorter than he and her hair was a couple inches longer, reaching to her back. Jaycee blinked, mouth gaping open as he stared at the male before him.

He was nearly identical to Soahc, only much larger, a good deal taller and much more masculine. The Soahc male-look-alike glared at him, brushing leaves and dirt from his clothes and untangling twigs from his long hair. He dimly registered shouts coming from somewhere in the background, but decided that focusing on the other male was wiser.

He had heard stories of what the priestesses, queens and the single priest had visited upon the harem during their brief visit and only a few of them were pretty, the rest were gory and disturbing beyond all reason.

"Would you quit staring at me?" Sagum snarled, trying to get a stick out of his hair and ending up accidentally poking himself in the eye as five fully armed guards swarmed into the clearing. He wondered what took so long.

"You tried to escape..." The head guard said, pointing his spear at the priest who regarded him with a dismissive look. Sagum shook his head.

"No I was going for a walk through the forest..." He paused, looking at the guards who seemed to believe him. He sighed and shook his head. "Of course I was trying to escape you dumbasses. Were you dropped on your heads or something?"

Jaycee watched, mouth gaping open. He could never imagine talking back to a guard like that, especially these who looked mean... and rather stupid.

"Look, he has an accomplice this time." Someone shouted, a mail-clad finger pointing towards Jaycee. Then the world exploded into shouting and the next thing he knew, he and the male Soahc were being carted off to a camp in manacles.

"First Soahc gets kidnapped by an evil king and then I'm kidnapped by idiots..." Sagum sighed and looked at the stunned pretty boy beside him. "This is all your fault."

"What?!" Jaycee shouted, head whipping around to glare at the priest. "How is it my fault? I don't even know you." Jaycee grumbled, pouting like a girl. The guards, used to Sagum's random antics, ignored this in favor of staring at Jaycee's clothes... You could tell he was a man, it was just odd. Sagum's eye twitched.

"Well if you and your freaky monkey hadn't fell from the sky and landed on me, I would've made my escape and they never would've known I was gone until I had made it to the ruins." Sagum crossed his arms and pouted, looking like a two year old. Jaycee's eyes flashed.

"Well if you hadn't have been standing there, I wouldn't have been captured by the guards again!" Jaycee yelled, throwing his arms up in the air and almost knocking himself out with the chain. Sagum sniffed, looking disdainfully at his opponent.

"What in the hell are you wearing anyways?" Sagum snorted and then glared at the guards who were dragging them along and not paying any attention to them. "And exactly how long does it take to get back to camp?"

"We're not hopelessly lost, we're just..." The guard captain said, looking at the rows and rows of trees with confusion in his eyes.

"Hopelessly lost." One of the younger members supplied a big grin on his face. Sagum recognized him as one of the fifteen who had laughed at his 'turn everyone pink and escape' attempt. It worked for Soahc, so why couldn't it work for him? Jaycee however, had no such experience and so dubbed him 'Octopus-head' because he was wearing what seemed to be a stuffed octopus on his head.

"Look there's Saphira...We can follow her back." Another guard said, Jaycee decided to call her 'Paintbrush' because there was a paintbrush behind her ear.

"What if she's not going back to camp?"

"Then we'll still be lost, but at least next time we'll know what was not to go..."

Sagum sighed; it was going to be a long day.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

TBC

Reviews are love.


	5. Abby Ebon: Among The Varden

**Inappropriate Conduct **

By _Abby Ebon & Chaos Silk_

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**A Note from the Authoress' **

As you might have guessed, from the phrasing of the chapter titles, each chapter is written _individually_ (without help of any kind - or consulting one another for the main plot of the chapter, other then _encouragement_ to get your butt writing because the other is '_bored'_) by whosever name comes first. So, while we both know where this is going, _eventually_, we both have pretty different ideas on how to _get_ there. The _journey_, after all, is more important then the destination.

So, in a way, each posted chapter is a _surprise_ for the other writer, this being the _point_ of writing the chapter. Why have we done and made this so damned _hard_? (You'll know what we're talking about if you've ever written a multi-chaptered story – or worked with another author and had your personalities clash, or writing styles differ so much it hurts to read it.)

Because- to us, it's _fun_, and it's a _challenge_ – when you've written fifty stories of various lengths, genres, books, movies, animes, video games, and TV shows, it's pretty damned hard to find a challenge – or not be bored with something.

Enjoy the result – or run away screaming. We won't mind.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**Disclaimer**: Oh, and we don't own Eragon- and we _really_ don't want to. Keep this in mind when you plan to write a novel.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Luckily, Saphira was indeed going back to the camp, so they did not have to wander around discovering where 'not to go'.

Sagum sighed upon seeing the oh-too-familiar Varden camp, and allowed himself to be led into 'his' rooms – Jaycee, by association and lack of rooms with free beds, was thrown in.

"What's going on?" Jaycee asked, frown lines appearing between his eyebrows.

Sagum rolled his eyes heavenward, why did _he_ always get stuck with the clueless ones?

"Well, you've met my sister – and likely the Goddess I serve, yes?" Sagum inquired with a carefully blank look upon his face. He had heard the rumors, and he wondered if they were true.

"Yeah," Jaycee replied, nervously touching the budge in his pocket that held the small sphere, "what about them?" Jaycee finished, biting his bottom lip.

Last he had heard they would be alright, but there was no telling with them.

"Well, after the Queens Tahori and Myjfa, and my sister – Soahc, the White Moon Priestess-Mage Erenas - and her lover Stoka the Priest-Mage of the White-Moon, went missing, I assumed, _rightly_ that they went missing because of the foreign woman Mrri Killi, I decided to try to follow them. I failed – _obviously_, so now Soahc and the entire of the Two Moon Isles are threatening to battle the Varden if I am not returned…" Sagum told him the lengthy version, in hopes Jaycee wouldn't be able to follow the entire thing. He needn't have worried.

"So why are the Varden holding you here?" Jaycee asked, looking very confused.

"Two Moon Isles has _never_, even before the time of the Riders, threatened any fraction of Alagaësia. None the less, the Dark-Moon, Lyri, will not rest until Galbatorix's Empire is in ruin." Sagum told him, his tone grim.

"That is not what the Varden want however, they wish to overthrow the government, not throw the lands into chaos…. which Lyri really can't help but do." Sagum explained softly, his eyes gazing over the forest, he knew the sea to be beyond them, and beyond that…home.

"Why couldn't she?" Jaycee asked bravely, remembering the fierce look of the Goddess. She didn't seem the type to overdo things.

"It is in her _nature_. She is the Dark-Moon, death, war, and destruction. But also, she is rebirth, without destruction, there is no new life. She is also the huntress, the provider of food, and possessor of the Two Moon Isles." Sagum started to answer, sounding as if he was rehearsing it.

"Lyri is, in her very nature, the darker aspects of emotion. She is possessive of what is hers. She gives nothing freely, she lusts for sensuality- sex, in other words… and yet, she is still, after all this time, a mystery…" Sagum trailed off, sighing, not knowing – in truth, why he was telling this to Jaycee – _perhaps I'm just homesick_, he thought.

"What of the White-Moon?" Jaycee asked curious now what the other half of his religion, and the other Goddess, was like.

"Ah, Myizrui – and lover of Lyri. It is said that in the beginning the two Goddesses were one, and then, one day, with the fall of the Dragons, Myizrui was going mad with a great migraine. She cured it, as any decent healer would, and as a dragon, Lyri sprang from her mouth." At Jaycee's look of disbelief he glared until Jaycee's face melted back into a 'listening' one.

"It rained fire, and the light was choked off with shadow, and there were storms then, greater than in the creation of the Isle. Then, all the air seemed suddenly gone, and Lyri stood as you saw her, beside an unused – near ruined twin temple of the White Moon." Jaycee looked puzzled at the thought of a ruin on an island, but Sagum held up a hand for silence while he wet his lips and continued the supposed myth.

"She declared herself the Dark-Moon, and of which she was of, the elements of fire, storms – and air itself, and of shadows…the elements of the Dragons." Sagum told him, a far look in his eyes, as if he could see it all happening.

"To ensure White-Moon Priests and Priestesses that Lyri was indeed her other half, Myizrui made one of her rare appearances. She claimed the natures of healing, birth, creation – those to which she had always held dearest." Sagum trailed off, blinking wetness from his eyes, and returning to the tale.

"She held to the brighter emotions, of hope – and that the Isle was indeed of Lyri's possession, she would still protect it in dire need, as she always had. She claimed the elements unspoken for – of light, to see hope, of metal, to create art or sword, of earth, which is the life blood of all, and of water – which is the cradle of life and healing." Sagum finished, glancing over at Jaycee and seeing his hand again reach for something, and yet…not quite touch it.

Sagum frowned - suspicious, but let the other male have his secrets.

"Still," Jaycee murmured, "that does not explain why the Varden won't release you to your people." Jaycee finished, still looking confused – Sagum chuckled, he could say this much for the kid – he stuck to what he was curious of.

"They intended to marry me off to Eragon – one of the two Riders, that of the blue dragon Saphira. They hope that by the joining, the Goddesses won't be so vengeful. Or to gain the favor of one – which is really quite amusing. Soahc will likely have the lot of Isle show up, just to see the look on Eragon's face what he's marrying into 'for the good of the people'." Sagum snickered in a somewhat evil way.

Jaycee though, was left blinking.

"Guys can get _married_?" He asked, dazed.

"Well, yes – it's more often called a joining – because the purpose isn't often to get to procreate." Sagum admitted, smiling slightly.

"Guys can have babies!?" Jaycee shirked, pale faced. A teasing grin passed over Sagum's face.

"Only with a Goddesses blessing…or curse, if they don't think you appreciate women well enough, happened to a friend of mine." Jaycee whimpered – and fainted.

Sagum looked down at his fainted body with a raised eyebrow.

"_That_," Sagum told the unconscious body, "was a _joke_."

Jaycee awoke from nightmares of dirty diapers and infants who _threw up_ on him.

Shuddering at the thought, he looked around the room – it was empty, save for himself – and a note at the end of the bed.

Jaycee shook his head at the folly; the priest must think everyone could read, to leave _him_ a _note_.

"Woke up from your little _fainting_ spell already, eh, Jaybird?" Jaycee looked up to see Draco lounging on the rafters – grinning down at him.

"Aw, shut up Dray. It could have happened to anyone…" Jaycee muttered, shuddering slightly, a light blush of embarrassment over his cheeks.

"True… anyone that's _you_." The silver monkey cooed mockingly.

"What do you want anyway Dray?" Jaycee asked, because Draco never did anything without reason – or for food.

"Well, I could be satisfied with you having a chat with that Saphira; she's such a cranky brute! Nearly took off the tuft of my tail she did!" Draco whined, wagging the appendage back and forth as proof.

Jaycee squinted at it – it did look a _little_ disarrayed.

"Do you want to speak to her for you?" Jaycee asked, not sure if he actually wanted to engage in a conversation with a dragon. Draco's eyes grew big and shinny with glee.

"Would you Jaybird? Would you _really_?" The little monkey jumped excitedly, maw gaping open in a grin.

"Sure…I guess." Jaycee murmured, lifting a hand to rub the back of his head nervously.

"Good, because it's the only way I see of keeping our word to Murtagh." Draco mumbled nearly too softly for Jaycee to hear – but he did, his head lifted in a startled way, his eyes wide.

"_What_?" Jaycee hissed, silvered eyes sparking angrily.

"Well, you _see_, I sort of bargained for our freedom…and in the bargaining… we vowed to free him…but he was drunk, so he may not remember…. " Draco pranced out of reach when Jaycee took a swipe at him.

"You made a vow to him! Dray how _could_ you?" Jaycee snarled, and Draco suddenly remembered why vows and promises were so important to Jaycee.

For, on the street, even as a thief, your word was all you were worth. Jaycee suddenly slumped, the fight going out of him – and Draco was almost sorry for what he had done.

But he did rather his Jaycee be free, and angry at him, rather then anywhere near Galbatorix.

"No wonder he dropped me off his dragon – Dray, you should have told me sooner!" Jaycee whined, and then shook his head, sighing.

"I'll go beg a favor from Saphira." Jaycee told Draco as he left his rooms.

Jaycee knew the only place to keep a dragon was out in the horse yard – and all horse yards were in the same place – in the back of the encampment.

He gulped at the sight of the dragon, although he had flown on one briefly, nothing compared to looking _up_ at one.

_**What do you want?**_ A rather serene voice demanded from within his mind. He swallowed, gathered his courage, and blurted out his predicament aloud to her.

_**Let me get this clear, you want me to free Murtagh from his binds with Galbatorix?**_ The dragon – Saphira, inquired, Jaycee nodded quickly.

"Yes, that's it exactly!" Jaycee exclaimed, delighted that the dragon had seemed to catch up to his need so quickly.

_**Come closer**_. Saphira urged, Jaycee nervously obeyed – and Saphira snapped at him with her great jaws and teeth – even unharmed, Jaycee squealed and ran off his only thought '_she's-gonna-eat-me-she's-gonna-eat-me_'.

Although, in his defense, he _did_ hear her roar in what he thought to be an evil/threatening way -she was actually laughing at him.

_**I've been trying to free Murtagh since he attacked my Rider unwillingly – stupid boy!**_ Saphira's voice echoed in his, much to his continued fright.

Luckily – or not so luckily, Jaycee ran into Saphira's Rider, although he didn't know it at the time.

"_Gahh…help-help-help_! A dragon is trying to _eat me_!" Jaycee cried out as he ran headlong into Eragon, who blinked down at the small black-haired girl-looking boy.

"_What_?" Eragon inquired a very puzzled look on his face. "And, who are you?" Eragon finished after a thin silence had stretched between them.

"I'm Jaycee. I came here with Sagum." Jaycee explained rather shortly, still nervous about Saphira coming after him. About this time, Eragon, as all young men are wont to do, noticed the pleasant feeling of the others warm body pressed against him.

"I assure you Jaycee," Eragon said, a mix of amusement and a desire to calm the other boy warring with in him, "Saphira will not hurt you, she was only playing with you." Eragon reassured, Jaycee frowned at him in slight disbelief.

"How can _you_ promise that?" Jaycee asked him, frowning slightly. Eragon shook off the thought of kissing those pout able lips.

"Well, because I'm Saphira's Rider, Eragon Shadeslayer at your service." Eragon said with a teasing wink.

Jaycee was rather clueless to this – as always.

"Oh, _you're_ Sagum's husband-to-be." Jaycee told him rather firmly, Eragon, bemused, nodded.

"Well, I hope you don't mind extended families!" Jaycee told him, grinning. Eragon blinked – but couldn't resist kissing Jaycee on the forehead.

"What was that for?" Jaycee asked, stepping back form Eragon.

"It's good luck to kiss the groom before the wedding." Eragon said firmly, even if he had just made that up.

"Oh, well, thank you for the good luck then – I should tell Sagum this…" Jaycee told him, edging away from the other teen.

"Have a good evening then…" Eragon murmured as he watched Jaycee leave.

Despite his efforts, Jaycee hadn't been able to find Sagum and tell him of the odd tradition the Varden practiced.

Nonetheless, he saw this as an opportunity to see if he could uncover the mystery of the sphere Lyri had given him, and he had kept – despite Draco's warnings to leave it alone.

Alone now, Jaycee rolled the sphere of duel black and white in the palm of his hand, it seemed to him that the sphere grew warm; absentmindedly he tapped his fingers along the runes.

Suddenly the sphere started to shimmer and grow hot, Jaycee dropped it to the floor when it grew hot enough to burn his skin.

It seemed to him the runes had sunk into the sphere – leaving little holes open to the air.

The sphere glowed and hissed and dark smoke filled the room- the first thing Jaycee saw through the smoke was… wings?

Yes, they were, a set of black feathery bird-like masses, was the first thing he saw through the smoke – and then sinister icy blue eyes peered down at him dismissively.

"Hello, Master!" Chirped an oddly childlike voice, and the great wings, like wisps of blackened wind and air, flapped foreword – and the smoke fell away from the …_Elemental_?

"_Wha_?" Jaycee murmured, staring wide-eyed at the creature that stood before him.

It had a tail of _fire_, eyes as blue and cold as the sea, she wore a like strapless armor-like metal over its rather prominent cleavage.

The light metal dipped into a 'v' shape that hovered over where its navel was supposed to be.

The metal armor continued at her hips, circling around them in a shimmering cord of silver, and then stretching into something that resembled a loin cloth.

With layers of metal that seemed as comfortable as real cloth, going down to mid-thigh.

But what convinced Jaycee that he was seeing an Elemental, was that her skin was earth…literally

"You're an Elemental!" Jaycee whimpered – he had heard of Elementals, they granted wishes to their 'Masters' and then, afterwards, the 'Masters' disappeared.

"Yes darling, I am. Now, Jaycee is it? You have five wishes, because I control five elements. So, my question is what your first wish is?" The Elemental purred, lifting her finger to her lips. Although her voice was childlike, her body was not – and Jaycee, terrified as he was, found it rather discerning.

"Um, question actually," the Elemental looked disappointed, so Jaycee rushed on, "what's your name?" Jaycee blurted out.

"Well, this is a _surprise_; in all my millenniums no mortal has ever asked my name…" She flicked back hair that flowed like air – these silvery, like wisps of clouds, as unlike her wings as you could get.

Her voice had changed from the sweet-as-honey childlike innocence to a husky drawl, and as she _was_ an Elemental, Jaycee supposed the rules of sensuality changed.

"You shall not know it, to know an Elementals name is to hold power over me and to have me come to your aid and do your bidding even after your wishes are granted." She continued, and Jaycee grinned.

"What if I wish to you to tell me your name, as my friend?" Jaycee asked rather hopefully, lonely in this strange place.

The Elementals icy eyes narrowed, and then softened.

"We can sense emotions. You are earnest in this. My name is Eawafiaime." Jaycee didn't think she'd have anything to worry about – he wouldn't remember that name – or be able to pronounce it.

Seeing his baffled look, and guessing at his thoughts – she laughed.

"It will come to you when you are in need. An Elementals name is never forgotten by those who hear it. For short, you may call me Flai." Jaycee, finding that easier to pronounce -if a bit disturbing, it sounded like 'Flay' to him.

Nonetheless he was quick to nod his agreement.

"By the way, _Master_, you're down to _four_ wishes." Flai told him, smirking slightly.

"Um…can I have time to think about them?" Jaycee asked, covering a escaping yawn, Flai chuckled.

"Very well, to call me out, say my name, or tap the earth –water – fire- air- and metal runes in succession." Jaycee nodded his understanding, and Flai gave him a small smile, and disappeared into the sphere in wisps of air.

And, not much later, exhausted from the days excitements, Jaycee fell into a deep sleep once his head hit the pillow.


	6. Chaos Silk: The Wedding

**Inappropriate Conduct **

By _Abby Ebon & Chaos Silk_

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**_A Note from the Authoress' _**

Are you following us so far? I believe even a blind man could know where this is going.

Eragon is getting married. To someone who is indifferent to him. And there will be Chaos and dancing, and the priestesses will finally make their reappearance. Someone will get kissed and another someone will get kicked in a place where the sun don't shine.

And many people will get drunk and amuse me.

So you have a choice... either run away screaming, or continue on reading.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Disclaimer: If I owned Eragon, this would be the book.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Jaycee awoke to the sound of cursing and the smell of smoke in the air. He raised his head, silver eyes blinking in confusion. He looked to his left, where Sagum was sitting up in his cot, hair tussled and mussed. The teal-eyed priest stared at him, yawning.

"Sounds like Soahc is here..." He remarked, listening to the shouts of the guards and various other members of the Varden. The priest yawned again, climbing out of bed.

"My pants!!" Someone yelled as a shadow ran past the tent, snickering wildly. Sagum sighed, pulling on his robe.

"And Stoka is already running amok..." Sagum remarked, shaking his head in distressed amusement. "Erenas really should get a collar for him..." He sighed, pushing his feet into his boots and tying them up as a blonde head poked into the tent.

"Yo..." Soahc said, grinning like a chesire cat as she saluted the pair. Sagum stared blankly at her, a look of long-suffered distress on his face. Jaycee let out a sound that might've been a whimper, drawing his blankets tighter around his chest. Then he realized he was acting like a girl and let it drop.

"Soahc..." Sagum sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Why are you here?" He asked, not daring to look at her. Jaycee watched her grin grow wider.

"Can't a girl greet her brother on the morn of his wedding?" She asked, moving to stand fully in the tent, well out of Stoka's pant-stealing range... Not that she was wearing pants, she just didn't want to be ran over. Sagum raised an eyebrow and she sighed. "Fine I wanted to know which tent your bride is staying in..."

Sagum's eye raised even higher. "Why?"

"His bride?" Jaycee demanded at the same time, jumping up out of bed and accidentally giving Soahc a good view of his assets. She flushed brightly.

"You know, I think I'll discover this on my own... excuse me..." She rushed out of the tent, one hand cupping her nose.

"I love you." Sagum said, still staring at the spot where Soahc had stood. He looked at Jaycee, awed by his terrible power of making Soahc run away. "If I wasn't getting married today, I would ask you to marry me." Sagum stated, pulling a strand of leather from his bag and tying back his hair. Jaycee was as red as Soahc, still wondering where his pants had gotten in his sleep.

" I'd avoid wearing pants today if I were you..." Sagum said, flipping his hair over his shoulder as the thief started to get dressed. "You can borrow one of my robes, because if you were pants, I can guarantee that someone will steal them during the course of the wedding." Sagum tossed a purple robe at him, turning around as Jaycee caught it and tugged it over his head.

"Eragon's your bride?" Jaycee squeaked out, feeling somewhat safer now that he was wearing clothes. Sagum laughed.

"Of course, I am a priest, the male representation of the goddess I serve. If I was the bride, I would have to surrender my position, making the whole point of this marriage null and void and leaving my sister free to burn the camp down." Sagum explained, shrugging. He knew no one had bothered to explain this to the dragon rider yet, but he was certain all would be made clear when the boy...Sagum shuddered at the thought was shoved into a dress.

But then again, from what little he had seen of the boy, he was not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Jaycee stared at the priest, doing his best imitation of a fish as Sagum raised an eyebrow at him. Then he burst out laughing, trying to picture the somewhat stocky farmboy in a sparkly white dress. Sagum shook his head amused.

"Dearly Beloved... we are gathered here today..." The elder priest droned, uncaring at the fact that he was joining two males in holy matrimony. Sagum and Eragon stood side by side in front of him, the Dragon Rider looking pissed at the world. Jaycee really couldn't blame him though.

"Blah blah blah..." Soahc said, waving her hands in the air and nearly whacking Jaycee in the face. She looked at him and shrugged, continuing to say 'blah blah blah' in time with the priest's words. The thief had been lucky enough, or unlucky enough to have been kidnapped by Stoka upon exiting his tent and forced to sit between Soahc (who was still red and giggling, though over a completely different matter) and the white-moon priest.

The dark haired boy was surprised that instead of having one of the many priests and priestesses preside over the wedding, the Varden had kidnapped someone from a nearby village. It was kind of odd and Soahc was acting like she had been insulted (hence why she was 'blah blah blah'-ing).

"How come she gets to make noise?" Stoka whined, looking beseechingly at Erenas. Erenas shook her head and sighed, kicking Stoka's leg.

"Behave." She said, looking at Soahc who had finally lost interest in 'blah'-ing and was now poking the guy sitting in front of her in the back of the head. Jaycee watched this all with the patience of one watching a train wreck, it was horrible and yet you couldn't look away. He wondered if Soahc acted like this all the time.

"I have never sat still in church in my entire life." Soahc announced randomly as though hearing Jaycee's thoughts. The guy whipped around and glared at her, eyes narrowing dangerously. She hit him with her shoe and pointed back towards the front, teal eyes narrowed.

Jaycee had never been more relieved in his life when the priest finally announced 'I now pronounce you man and man-wife.'

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

_TBC_

Reviews are love.


	7. Abby Ebon: Indecent Wishes

**Inappropriate Conduct **

By _Abby Ebon & Chaos Silk_

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

**A Note from the Authoress' **

This story will end at ten chapters, there is, after all, a limit to the chaos we can produce and sustain a balance with the natural world. In other words, if this randomness doesn't end somewhere, something is going to go BOOM-BAM. Splat. Crunch. Grind. Chew.

Not necessary in that order.

It might be your-brains-being-eaten-by-zombies; it might be dragons-protecting-treasure-which-you-_stupidly_-drooled-over. It might be something else equally horrifically chaotic, you never know with these things.

Wouldn't want that dears, brains and blood are a _horror_ to get out of the carpet…

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Disclaimer: If we owned Eragon…the Goddesses would not be pleased with us… –_glances to__ Lyri and Myizrui, giggling is heard_-

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

"…_ah…harder, Sagum_…."

Jaycee, hand raised to push open the room he shared with Sagum stopped mid-motion, mortified. His face was flushed (though how much of this condition was due because of drinking, and how much because of his embarrassment we might never know) and he'd frozen.

"_mmm….yes, Eragon_…"

At hearing that, his hands jerked away from the door, and he wondered where Draco had gotten to and determined he'd better find him.

"…_ahhh_…"

Quickly, he turned and rushed back to the after-wedding party.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

"What's the matter kid? You look rather red – too much to drink?" Soahc asked settling down beside Jaycee. Blushing, Jaycee looked to her wondering if there was any proper way to tell her that he had nearly walked in on her brother…_erm_…"taking care" of his 'man-wife'.

"Ah, your heard them going at it?" She seemed more amused then embarrassed for her brother. It was funny, were she a maiden born within the Empire – she'd be horrified. As it was she was as knowing and amused as a harem girl – perhaps more so.

"Eh, yeah." Why was it he was the one who was felt to feel all too awkward?

"Don't worry about it kid, you'll have your own bit of fun soon enough." Jaycee blinked at her – she winked, got up and left him. Just like that, Jaycee sighed at the thought, she was gone.

Jaycee looked down at the orb – half in crystal, half in obsidian – it was covered with runes. For the first time, he wondered what he was going to do with "Flai" the Elemental that inhabited it. He had four wishes left.

Then, suddenly, from above he heard angry chattering – it was Draco – he looked up, only to see the silver monkey hopping down on him.

"Fool boy, I told you to leave that alone!" Draco hissed angrily, eyes narrowed on Jaycee.

"Well, sorry Dra', I didn't. Where have you been anyway?" Jaycee asked, if he lingered on the thought, he hadn't seen the little silver menace sense meeting Sagum.

"Being chased by some damned noble wanting to present me as a gift for his "lady fair"." The small monkey mocked the accent of a noble remarkably well.

"Oh, he was probably here for Eragon and Sagum's wedding." Jaycee remarked lamely.

"You think?" Was the silver monkey's smart-alecky (if very dryly sarcastic) retort, he ducked under the hand Jaycee lifted to swat at him.

"So, what's in the orb anyway?" Draco asked setting into Jaycee's lap, though he glared at the orb.

"An Elemental – I have five wishes, or rather, four, but I used one to find out her name." Jaycee told him, slumping against the tree and somehow sprawling at the same time – a thing only teens or double-jointed adults were capable of.

"Well – what's her name?" Draco asked after a few moments passed in silence.

"Er, she told me, but it was too hard to pronounce – let alone remember – so I call her Flai." Jaycee told his monkey-shaped friend sheepishly.

"A wasted wish?" Draco murmured looking up at the thief with wide eyes. Jaycee nodded, wondering what Draco would do. To his surprise, the little silver monkey only sighed, seemingly depressed.

"Idiot – there is nothing sadder then a wasted wish." Draco told him shaking his little head in disgust.

"_Now_ you tell me that, before it was "leave the dark goddesses orb alone"." Jaycee mimicked Draco's voice remarkably well considering the monkey's voice was pitched to be a few notes higher then a male should be able to achieve. This earned him a look – in which monkey won for he now had blackmail.

"Well, you should wish next for Murtagh's ties to Galbatorix to be broken." The monkey suggested innocently – or as innocently as a monkey could manage.

"Why would I do that?" Jaycee asked a little confused. Let it never be said you have to be smart to be a thief.

"Because, Draco said you could. Gave his word you would." Murtagh had appeared out of the darkness, whatever had been left of the alcohol from the night before had obviously gone away.

"What are you doing here? What do you mean?" Jaycee could only ask wide-eyes, for one reason – Murtagh had magic and a nasty looking sword, and somewhere in the dark a ruby dragon bided it's time. All Jaycee had was a wish-granting orb, and a silver talking monkey. You could see who had the upper hand right off, as otherwise, Jaycee was unarmed.

"I wouldn't miss my own brothers wedding, even if I wasn't invited." Murtagh grumbled, and Draco and Jaycee exchanged another _look_, which consisted of which one of them was going to be fed to the dragon first.

"As for what I mean, I may have been drunk but I remember a voice very like that monkey's telling me if I took you from the tower – I would be free of Galbatorix, so pay up." Murtagh demanded, Draco cleared his throat, catching the Rider's attention.

"Anyone ever tell you you'd catch more flies with honey then vinegar?"

"Why would _anyone_ want to catch flies?" Jaycee asked the silver monkey – Murtagh growled and all conversation of flies, vinegar, or honey ceased.

"Can you or can't you free me?" Murtagh asked fingers going around the hilt of his sword.

"Personally – no, but I have something that can." Jaycee rushed to explain before the Rider became anymore aggravated. His reassurances oddly had little effect.

"Flai!" Jaycee yelped, knowing the name not be a magical attack (he was a Rider after all) Murtagh found himself very surprised when a Elemental appeared before him and his query of monkey and thief-boy.

"Master!" Chirped a voice that had a hint of seduction in it.

"I wish you'd stop calling me that, my name is Jaycee. _Jaycee_." Draco squealed something "wasted wish!" and Jaycee blushed, but being as he was being harassed at the time, we'll forgive him for wasting a wish.

There was a silence, then the Elemental glanced over her shoulder at Murtagh, and then to Jaycee.

"Down to three wishes, Jaycee – want me do something about the Rider free of charge?" She, despite being a captured Elemental, was obviously very protective of the boy.

"No, ah, just free him from his ties to Galbatorix…please?" Jaycee asked timidly.

"Sure thing sweetie! Now only two wishes left!" Flai purred seductively, Murtagh felt suddenly freer – the burden on his soul lifted. With a giggle, Flai disappeared.

Murtagh found he was naked – flushed, for all he had left was his father's sword.

Jaycee blushed – and Draco cackled.


	8. Chaos Silk: Questing Approaches

**Inappropriate Conduct **

By _Abby Ebon _& _Chaos Silk_

**A Note from the Authoress' **

When all else fails, blame Chaos and the fact that it takes her a while to write things sometimes, and that neither authoress have been into the Eragon fandom for a very long time. So yes, Chaos retains the blame and her habit of speaking in third person, and also managed to retrieve the plot from where it was hiding in her folders and is about to get this fic back on track.

On track being, complete and utter randomness. Chaos is good at that.

Everyone is OOC, but regardless, we rock and we will keep on doing what we have been doing. Or rather, keep doing what we used to be doing because what we have been doing is nothing productive.

I am going to shut up now.

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Disclaimer: Obviously, considering that there has been another book written and published in the time that we haven't been updating –at least if Chaos recalls her dates correctly-, we are not the authoresses of Eragon, and quite frankly, we don't want it either. Too full of clichés, overpowered characters and ridiculously easy to spot plots.

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When we last left our heroes, Murtagh, who may or may not have been exceedingly drunk, was naked except for his sword, Jaycee, whose face resembled a tomato because for a thief he was exceedingly sheltered despite Draco, was trying not to become a stuttering mess on the floor, and Draco, our monkey-thief-mascot, was cackling like someone had just dropped the greatest blackmail material in the history of blackmail into his lap. In the (years) minutes that have passed since we left, not much has changed. Except maybe that Murtagh had covered his precious bits and was starting to resemble Jaycee a little too much for either of them to be comfortable, not that they could be with one being naked and the other being constantly mistaken for a girl.

"Well," Draco started, wiping tears from his eyes with a furry silver paw as he regained control of his laughter, "You did say free him from his ties to Galabroix, and his clothes would definitely count as a tie, considering they have his cresty-thing all over them." With that, our mascot collapsed into helpless cackling again.

"That's really not helping Draco." Jaycee hissed, finally taking enough initiative to slap a hand over his face, shamelessly peeking between his fingers at Murtagh as he sputtered, trying to come up with something to say that wasn't either a squeak or gibberish. If he could have, his assistant/guardian/friend would have raised an eyebrow at him, asking when exactly did he do anything to help someone who wasn't Jaycee?

There was an awkward silence between the two males –though one might still be convinced that the other was a girl-, punctuated by high, dry cackling of the almost maniacal value and then, just when Jaycee thought that it could not get any worse, a very familiar figure practically bounced, no, make that *literally* bounced into his line of sight. That familiar face sported a grin that spoke ill for his sanity even before she spotted the entirely naked man standing beside him, clutching his groin and spouting off nonsense. At least, Jaycee thought, as the priestess stalked over, it could not get any worse than this.

"Gotta hand it to you Jaycee." Soahc, who most certainly had not forgotten how to spell her own name in the (years) minutes that have passed since she had last seen him, purred, stalking around the two like a shark circling prey. Murtagh looked about three seconds away from passing out completely, and may, indeed, be unconscious on his feet. "You certainly know how to pick them." She smirked, and Jaycee felt his stomach sink like a stone, somehow knowing that she had seen the entire thing and was teasing him because that is what she did. "However, I'm afraid I'm going to have to interrupt your special naked funtimes…" She said in monotone, her face completely expressionless, though one could tell she was laughing inside. "…because we, in our wisdom, have decided to send you, your monkey, your nude little boytoy and this red dragon landed on the edge of camp, which didn't set off any alarms _at all_ because the security in this camp is a joke, on a quest of major importance. Because this is a wedding and therefore the best disguise for a major quest."

Jaycee stared at her for a moment, wondering if something had changed between the time they last spoke and now, because he certainly didn't remember her being quite so… wordy last time. In fact, now that he thought about it, there was something in her demeanor that had changed too. He blinked at her, tilting his head to the side. "Isn't there…?"

"No. Not important." She interrupted with an air of serious finality, pulling a pair of horrendously bright pink *fluffy* pants from her sleeve and tossing them into Murtagh's face with a little too much force, sending him sprawling over the ground in an embarrassed daze. "Meet us.." The way she said us sounded like she was telling him to meet a death squad. "…in the tent with the big scorchmark on the east side of it at the signal." With that said, she stepped back and simply disappeared into the shadows.

"Wait!" Jaycee called helplessly, way too many questions running through his mind as Draco decided to stop laughing and make himself useful by putting the horrendous pants on Murtagh. "Where…? What…? Which…?"

As soon as the last word left his mouth, something in the camp exploded, and much like Soahc had said, not a single guard paid any attention to it. Draco looked at him, slapping Murtagh in the face not because he wanted to wake him up, but because he found it amusing. "That must be the signal."

Jaycee groaned, and resolved himself to not understanding a thing about this night and the nights to follow.

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TBC

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